The Legend of Despair

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, a kingdom prepared for its annual celebrations with the Festival of Love And Life. The festivities expanded over an entire week, beginning on the first day of the new year. The people's shouts of joy and happiness reverberated across the entire kingdom, eventually making their way to the ears of the evil witch who ruled the land with fear. She allowed the festivals to continue as a tool to keep the people from rebellion. Finally, the echoes of happiness and love brought a great sadness upon the evil witch for no amount of love could pierce her black and bitter heart. This year, she could bare the pain no longer. Filled with hatred, she traveled to the Valley of The Fallen; a burial ground for the dragons and men of an old war long forgotten. Using all her strength and knowledge of dark magic, she forced life back into the corpse of the strongest dragon, filled the beast with her anger and hatred, and named him Harbinger, for he carried with him the message of a coming darkness. She released the terrible dragon with the power to steal all hope and happiness from all who gazed upon his beady eyes. In the dragon's wake, was left behind a void of all that was good and true in the world. In resentful indignation, the kingdoms united against the witch and formed the largest army known to mankind and marched on the Valley of The Fallen to stop the witch's vile curse. Their thunderous footsteps pounded the valley from all sides. Though courageous and true to their cause, they failed in their task. The earth broke apart and swallowed the armies whole as the curse erupted from the valley and enveloped the land and all the realms therein. The curse has remained unbroken throughout time. To this very day, the curse drains the land of all forms of happiness wherever it may reside. History remembers this day as the Legend of Despair. In the modern time, we simply call this day, Monday.

The Gamers Creed

Day by day
With my Doritos and Dew
Ill play my life away.

Sitting on this couch in isolation
These words I say aloud
"For my enemy, there is no absolution."

Many are the Dews that I will consume.
With this controller in hand
Several lives I will assume.

When all is said and done
And great is your fame
"I am your master,"
Sayeth the game.

Slippery Terror

I am fearless. The words roll off my tongue as an attempt to convince myself. There it lies before me. A field of Black Ice lying across the road tormenting innocent drivers. The Ices maniacal laughter is heard in the sound of slipping tires and the panic of drivers. Like the 300 Spartans, my resolve will not fade when faced with impossible odds. I take a deep breath and then chugg the remainder of my Mountain Dew as I rev my engine. I am fearless. I throw my car into drive and unleash 260 armored horses ready for war. The clip clop and neyhs of the horses could be heard as a loud growl from my tailpipe. I charge forward with confidence as I cross onto the black ice. I can feel the smooth terror under the tires desperately trying to rob me of traction. Those few seconds on the ice were an eternity. With panic rising up in my chest, I begin to lose the ever-precious traction and start sliding sideways. I feel a sudden jolt as my tires make contact with the grey asphalt of life. It is over. I continue on to my destination with pride in my eyes and victory in my heart. I am fearless. I am a Yankee!

The Deposit

Picture it. North Carolina. 2012. There I sit in my bedroom making a phone call to Microsoft. They have billed me $10 for a month of Xbox live after I cancelled my membership. This time they cancel properly and promise to return my $10. Day after day, week after week I tirelessly search for my money only to be met with defeat. The money was nowhere to be found.

Two years later September 5, 2014  a deposit from Microsoft, for $10 was made in the early morning hours. Surprised and confused I made my way to the nearest convenience store for a Mountain Dew to calm the confusion.

The Wasp Nest

I took a deep breath and drank the last sip of my Mountain Dew, as I prepared my mind, body, and soul for the upcoming battle. I raised my can of weapons-grade wasp killer to begin the incursion. Four wasps emerged from the nest as I start spraying. I caught the first two off guard when I doused the nest, killing them where they stood. The third, I found sitting on the wall preparing for attack. His wings began to beat, but he was to slow. I achieved a direct hit on him as he fell to the ground in a white foamy mess. Behind me I hear the fourth and final wasp blazing in on a surprise maneuver. I whipped my can around and like an elite marksman I shot him to the ground. As I stand in victory over the lifeless bodies of dead wasps I think to myself, "This calls for another can of Mountain Dew."
This, my friends, is how I do the Dew.